The biggest joke in Nascar is Jeff Gordon....
47 Ways to Tell You're a NASCAR Fan
1. If you're sitting behind someone at a red
light, and when it changes, you yell, "GREEN! GREEN! GREEN! GO! GO! GO!
2. If you were Rusty Wallace you would have just
gone when the light turned yellow!
3. You know you're a Jeff Gordon fan if you go on green and cop pulls you over for
going too soon on the green. :):):)
4. Time yourself on your wrist watch when you pull into the self serve gas n go.
On an highway or freeway or whatever entrance ramp you drive it like the esses at Sears Point.
If you say "But officer,
I wasn't tailgating, I was drafting"
6. When you have an accident, the first thing you try to do is pull off the steering
The second thing you do is blame Robby Gordon.
7. Your name your first born Dale, Kyle, Jeff, Mark, Richard,
Ward, Rusty, Ernie, Sterling, etc.
8. You paint a large 24 on the side of your car....
9. Watch tapes of old races
on rain delay days
10. Plan family vacations around a race date
11. You go through Nascar withdrawls when there is
no race on the weekend..
12. Have a poster of Benny Parsons above your bed
13. When you pass someone on the highway
you refer to it as taking them on the inside.
14. Counting the cars to work as positions gained and when they pass you
15. You associate numbers with drivers names when do your banking.
16. If you sign up for flu shots
(at work) on Friday so you can fake sick in order to get home in time to see qualifying.
17. How about riding behind the
same two dumdums riding side by side for SOOOOoooo long, that you decide to make it three wide down the front stretch, and
pass them in the emergency lane (after looking, of course)
18. When your buddy is passing someone on the interstate, you're
in the passenger seat yelling,"CAR HIGH !!!.....CLEAR!!
19. You teach your child to count like this... 1, Gordon, Wallace,
Earnhardt, Hamilton, Terry Labonte, Martin, etc. and then it confuses him because of the driver changes every year
Only the driver's side of your windshield gets cleaned.
21. You can get 12 cans of pop. 4 quarts of Gatorade, and 8 sandwiches
into a 14" cooler and NOT squash anything.
22. You think nothing of getting up at 4am, driving for 5 hours, sitting in
a traffic backup for 3 hours, baking in the sun, spending 5 hours to get out of the parking lot, driving 5 hours home, getting
up the next morning at 5 am, going to work on 3 hours sleep, and telling everybody what a GREAT time you had.
line your diecasts up in the same order as the starting grid each week.
24. You rearrange your diecasts to match the grid
25. You have a mini winners circle for your diecasts
26. You get caught stealing the lifesize cut
out of your favorite driver from Foodlion.
27. When you drive up close behind somebody in hopes you can "get him loose"
in order to be able to pass him.
28. Your mechanic has to remind you to stop referring to him as "your crew chief"
If every time you hop out at the gas station, you yell to your spouse to time you.
30. If your spouse has to keep telling
you it's "your damn driveway, not victory lane".
31. If your find yourself having a tough time explaining to the patrol
officer why you fell asleep and hit the wall during heavy traffic. (Sorry Dale, it was too good to pass up)
32. You blow
a flat on the highway and get mad because it took you more than 19 seconds to change it.
33. The big story at your parties
is how you put Jeff Gordon into the wall at Talladega in your Nascar Racing 2 game.
34. You hit the car in front
of you, and tell the police officer "Rubbin' is racin'!"
35. You think the first car at a stoplight is "on the pole."
36. You have to eat macaroni and cheese for a month because you bought too much memorabilia at the track.
37. At a
stop light with two lanes each direction, you pull into the left lane because you 'qualified faster' than the guys on the
38. You have planned out a route to work where you only have to turn left.
39. When the spouse asks how your
day was you start by saying, "Well, I had a real good car today..."
You consider slower cars in the left lane as "lapped
40. When traffic slows or stacks up, you wave your right hand from side to side, signaling to your buddy that
there is trouble ahead.
41. Before traffic begins to resume regular speed again, you find yourself weaving side to side
warming up the tires to optimum tempature.
42. When a car comes flying up from behind, you speed up trying to stay "on
the lead lap". If he passes you, you try to pass him back to "get your lap back".
43. Let your buddy pass you at least
once so he can get 5 bonus points.
44. Make sure you pass him back in time for the halfway money.
45. When renting
a car, you ask for a black Monte Carlo.
46. You know you're a Dale Earnhardt Fan if you have an accident and you tell
the cop it was someone elses fault.
47.If you can't balance your checkbook, but CAN explain the point system
and Terry Labonte are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb
up a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. Bobby gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting
them on. Terry, "What are you doing?" He replies, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run
for it." The Ice Man says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear." Bobby says, "I don't have to outrun the bear... I only
have to outrun you."
If Robert Pressley, Joe Nemewreck and Goofrey
Bodine were in a boat and the Boat Sinks, Who Would be saved?
Half the cars
in Sundays Race.
Sterling Marlin and
Ricky Rudd go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car,
and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The
same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation,
Sterling catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. Sterling to Ricky and says, "Do you realize
that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
Ricky says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch
Ernie Irvan received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown
with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the
least rude. Ernie tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything
he could think of to try and set a good example... Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook
the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Ernie put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming - then suddenly there was quiet.
Ernie was frightened
that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Ernie's extended
arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor
to correct my behavior."
Ernie was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such
a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"
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